Good jokes are important to one's sanity

Discussion in 'Giggles and Grins........... (OPT IN)' started by xxx, Jan 30, 2006.

  1. xxx

    xxx Guest

    I need some good clean jokes after this ordeal just to ease the stress..... and no... bourbon didn't help:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

    Anyone got any please post them so I can relax before I have to leave for Chicago and fight all the nice polite drivers there........:rotfl:
  2. JackJr

    JackJr New Member

    Nov 30, 2002
    Land Of BLAHS
    What polite drivers?? :hysterical:


  3. callaojoe

    callaojoe Máistir an pointe hocht.

    Jan 21, 2004
    N/C Missouri

    Just remember to anticipate the red light turnin green.....

    From what I could gather, you're already supposed to be halfway thru the intersection when it turns green... Or they honk at ya, and tell ya that you're number 1 in their mind....:rotfl:
  4. sand_manms

    sand_manms New Member

    Dec 13, 2005
    South Mississippi
    Fishermen killed
    Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."

    After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away.

    The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.

    The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the greiving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

    The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."

    "Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been!"

    "Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."
  5. sand_manms

    sand_manms New Member

    Dec 13, 2005
    South Mississippi
    Catching the fish
    Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"

    "Why do you want me to throw them at you?"

    "Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."

    "Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."

    "But why?"

    "Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."
  6. JackJr

    JackJr New Member

    Nov 30, 2002
    Land Of BLAHS

  7. hunter7x

    hunter7x New Member

    Oct 22, 2002


    Taalk about hook line and sinker !
  8. sand_manms

    sand_manms New Member

    Dec 13, 2005
    South Mississippi
    The Redneck Oil Change Checklist

    1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.

    2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

    3. Open a beer and drink it.

    4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

    5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

    6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

    7. Place drain pan under engine.

    8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

    9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

    10. Unscrew drain plug.

    11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.

    12. Clean up.

    13. Have another beer while oil is draining.

    14. Look for oil filter wrench.

    15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.

    16. Beer.

    17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.

    18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

    19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

    20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

    21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

    22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.

    23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

    24. Remember drain plug from step 11.

    25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

    26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.

    27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.

    28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.

    29. Begin cussing fit.

    30. Throw wrench.

    31. Cuss and complain.

    32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.

    33. Beer.

    34. Beer.

    35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.

    36. Beer.

    37. Lower car from jack stands

    38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands

    39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.

    40. Test drive car

    41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.

    42. Car gets impounded.

    43. Make bail; get car from impound yard.

    Money Spent:

    $50 parts

    $12 beer

    $75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match!

    $1000 Bail

    $200 Impound and towing fee

    Total: $1337
  9. sand_manms

    sand_manms New Member

    Dec 13, 2005
    South Mississippi
    There ya go Mrb! Have a safe trip!
  10. JBMan

    JBMan New Member

    Nov 16, 2004
    heres a really bad one

    Mell Tilis and Bill Dance decide to go fishin on the MO river for catfish one day as a shoot for one of bills shows. being that bill only fishes for Bass, and mel's from Nashiville, they decide to get a guide for the trip. They go down to the crustiest part of town and drag up an ole colored fella named doo da.

    So doo da takes bill and mel out on the river. they're having a good day catchin channels and blues. but some how in the mix of the excitement, bill rears back and sets the hook into a monster cat, in the process, knocking doo da into the swirling waters below. Mel and Bill wait and look, then start calling for ole doo da. but to no avail.

    So Bill and Mel, all sorrow stricken decide that they should go back and tell mrs. da about the bad news. with their heads hung low, they knock on the door. Mrs. da is perplexed because Bill and mel are there, but no doo da, sure enough mel and bill say mrs. da, "we have some bad news" and then they start to stutter, finally bill elbows mel in the side and he blurts out

    "Guess who drowned in the river today, doo da, doo da"
  11. xxx

    xxx Guest

    :eek::eek::eek: Thanks guys..........
  12. Watch This!!!!

    Well Sorry didn't work like I wanted...
  13. coyotehunter

    coyotehunter PURE KILLER

    Jan 19, 2005
  14. Grumpy

    Grumpy New Member

    Jul 5, 2004
    Central MO
    Had to clean this one up quiet a bit, insert who evers names you want.

    It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a recently immigrated Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth
    grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth."
    Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its' history than
    you do!" She heard a loud whisper: "***** the Mexicans!" "Who said that?" she demanded.
    Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
    At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Pedro. "****** **** to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the
    teacher, "**** ******* to ****** ********, 1997!"
    Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little ****. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"
    Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "**** ****** to ******* ****, 2001." The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the
    floor, someone said, "Oh ****, we're in BIG trouble now!" Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
  15. mohunter32

    mohunter32 Senior Member Lifetime Supporting Member

    Jan 15, 2005
    Franklin Co, MO
    Just read this one earlier today on a different sight.

    saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog. I slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. their was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage turned on the radio and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house quietly undressed and slipped back into bed. there I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation and whispered the weather out there is terrble. She sleepily replied can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that sh!t?
  16. xxx

    xxx Guest


    Thanks guys..... Now I can leave with a smile on my face..... Kinda like I used to do when I left a... Never mind... This is a "G" rated forum.....

  17. JBMan

    JBMan New Member

    Nov 16, 2004
    g for gangster!:rotfl::rotfl:
  18. Mailman

    Mailman Well-Known Member

    Feb 2, 2005
    Blue Springs Mo
    The following are thoughts made in the year 1955.

    "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."
    + + +
    "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2000 will only buy a used one."
    + + +
    "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."
    + + +
    "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"
    + + +
    "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."
    + + +

    "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

    + + +
    "Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."
    + + +

    "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.
    + + +
    "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."
    + + +
    "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."

    + + +
    "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."
    + + +
    "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."
    + + +
    "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."
    + + +

    "Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."

    + + +
    "I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."
    + + +
    "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."
    + + +
    "The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."
    + + +
    "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."
    + + +
    "No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood." + + +
    "If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it!"
  19. rat

    rat Legbone

    Dec 13, 2005
    Great info mailman....

    btw.. room in Omaha is $124.00 nowadays.....
  20. sand_manms

    sand_manms New Member

    Dec 13, 2005
    South Mississippi
    Redneck Driver's Application
    Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.

    Last name: ________________

    First name:
    [_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
    [_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
    [_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
    [_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
    [_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
    [_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

    Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
    Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None
    Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
    [_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
    [_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
    [_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

    Spouse's Name: __________________________
    2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
    3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
    Lover's Name: __________________________
    2nd Lover's Name: __________________________

    Relationship with spouse:
    [_] Sister [_] Aunt
    [_] Brother [_] Uncle
    [_] Mother [_] Son
    [_] Father [_] Daughter
    [_] Cousin [_] Pet

    Number of children living in household: ___
    Number of children living in shed: ___
    Number of children that are yours: ___

    Mother's Name: _______________________
    Father's Name: _______________________

    Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
    If you obtained a higher education what was your
    [_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade

    Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

    Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
    ___ Total number of vehicles you own
    ___ Number of vehicles that still crank
    ___ Number of vehicles in front yard
    ___ Number of vehicles in back yard
    ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

    Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you
    are still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)

    Firearms you own and where you keep them:
    ____ truck ____ kitchen
    ____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse
    ____ shed ____ pawnshop

    Model and year of your pickup: _________ 194_

    Do you have a gun rack?
    [_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

    Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
    [_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
    [_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
    [_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters

    ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
    ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
    ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

    How often do you bathe:
    [_] Weekly
    [_] Monthly
    [_] Not Applicable

    How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
    Color of teeth:
    [_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
    [_] Brown [_] Black
    [_] N/A

    Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
    [_] Red-Man [_] Skoal

    How far is your home from a paved road?
    [_] 1 mile
    [_] 2 miles
    [_] don't know